Growing Spiritually

 

Every time I see my little cousins, it is easy to see that they have grown. They are not only taller, but their faces change, their movements grow in confidence and skill. They grow not only in body, but also in their understanding of the world. Think of the child who is always asking why. By the time they go through our coming-of-age program as teenagers, they have been introduced to life’s big questions- why are we here, what happens after we die, why do bad things happen, what do I value. They have hopefully internalized a circle of meaning for themselves. And while the growth of our bodies slows down considerably after childhood, the mind, heart and spirit continue to develop our whole lives. We who are adults are also growing spiritually, even though it’s not so visible.

Like the hermit crab in his shell, the circles of meaning, the words and images we used to make sense of the world and our place in it, even the spiritual practices we do may need to be replaced with something roomier to hold our ever-growing selves. Life, being life, is more complex and changeable than the theological circle we drew in adolescence can hold, and it no longer fits. Maybe this is because we were filled up with so much new experience that the circle has to get bigger to hold it all. But often, it is some heartbreak, some betrayal, that fractures our circle of meaning, The meaning that served us in good times, in simple times, now feels insufficient to meet the realities of life.

That’s what happened to me. At 13 after carefully writing my credo for “coming of Age” I thought I had graduated from theology, but the experiences I had as a young adult showed cracks in that theological circle, and huge unresolved theological questions drew me to seminary. In seminary those cracks turned into gateways into new realms of understanding. It was as if I had been swimming in the kiddie pool- the theological education I had in junior high school was not supposed to get us through the daunting challenges of adulthood. Peering out through those cracks in my circle of meaning, I could see vast oceans to explore, and because I was in a learning community, I knew I was not alone with my questions- humans had been navigating them for centuries, and our religious traditions were full of helpful charts and maps.

While I was in seminary my theological circle cracked and regrew so many times if I had been a hermit crab I would have needed a beach full of shells. But let me be clear- I wasn’t growing spiritually because I was at school- you don’t have to go to seminary to grow, it is natural and all of us are doing it all the time. I went to seminary because I urgently needed a bigger shell, and I grew spiritually because I threw myself heart and soul into that transformation.

The problem with the hermit crab metaphor is twofold. First, the hermit crab does not grow their own shell, they borrow one from another animal. Our spiritual growth is deeply our own, and we Unitarian Universalists believe we don’t have to take on someone else’s shell, we have the option of growing our own. Second, we don’t have to throw out the old shell in order to grow. Perhaps we are more like the pine tree. The bark of a tree is a protective coating, and pine trees “build up really thick outer bark and their exterior layers can be decades old. This means the outer layers originated at a time when the trees were still young and slim, and as the trees age and increase in girth, the outer layers crack way down into the youngest layer of bark that… fits the girth of the tree as it is now” [i] maybe you feel more like a pine tree than a hermit crab- all that bark built up for decades is still helpful and protective, but the cracks allow a “just right” layer of bark that fits the tree as it is now.

When our theological circle cracks, when it gets too small, which naturally happens to everyone over and over, we have a choices to make. We can’t choose to stay exactly as we are forever, because the nature of life is constant change and and growth and transformation. As long as we are alive, we are growing. But we can choose how to respond to that change. One common instinctive response is to lock things down- to get hyper-vigilant and grip our lives tightly in hopes we can stop the change. Another common response is to numb ourselves to the discomfort of change, (I suspect everyone has some ways they like to numb themselves, from binge-watching mindless shows, a pretty mild form of numbing, to more serious addictions that cause inevitable harm to our bodies and spirits.) The third way we can handle change is to bring our full self to it; to start looking for a new shell if we like the hermit crab metaphor or growing from the inside out like the pine tree. When I reach the growing edge of my spirit I tend to do a bit of all 3 things. Even when I realize what is happening, and open myself to the process of growth, I’m still going to feel resistance to the change, and sometimes I’m going to need a break to numb out for a while. The important thing to remember, is that your spirit knows how to grow. It’s as natural as a toddler learning to balance. But we have the freedom to choose how we approach it.

I wanted to give you some clear vision of spiritual growth, but it is utterly unique to each person in each moment. It’s good to have mentors and role models, just as we see children eagerly watching and imitating those slightly older, but the goal is not to become like someone else, the goal is to become more fully ourselves. We see the Dali Lama speaking with peace and equanimity and compassion, and think- “if I grow spiritually I will be peaceful and full of the bliss of my divine nature all the time”. Some part of me imagined that if I really worked hard at spiritual growth I would eventually graduate and the road would be smooth and I would never experience pain again. Bad things might happen, but I would float above them, undisturbed by the suffering of life. That’s not been my experience however, and probably even the Dali Lama has bad days.

So if Spiritual Growth doesn’t make us perfectly peaceful, how can we spot spiritual growth when it begins to emerge? It will be more subtle than signs of material growth. It will probably not make us richer, or more famous, or more successful. My spiritual director offered me this list to help guide the way: where are we noticing increasing freedom, acceptance, compassion, and engagement? Freedom was a surprise to me, I always associated feeling free with breaking the rules. And in truth we do have to break rules and expectations to grow in spiritual freedom. I can’t tell you how many ideas I had to overcome about what a good minister should be before I could realize what kind of minister I am. I keep my code of ethics very seriously, so I’m not talking about breaking those rules, but all the unspoken conditioning about what I should be, what I can be needed to break open. When I loosened my grasp on ideas about what I should be and follow the spirit where it leads, I feel more freedom. When I choose the path that increases the sense of freedom, the path thing that comes naturally to me, the path that takes me toward my own growing edge, not only do I grow my own spirit, but you often tell me later that it spoke to you more powerfully than when I do things the usual old boring minister way. I encourage each of you to notice, when have you grown in freedom to be yourself?

Acceptance is a hard one. It is hard to accept that which is unpleasant, to accept a world that doesn’t live up to our vision. It’s especially tricky for us as UUs because we believe in working for justice, we believe that we have a role to play in making the world a better place or all. Acceptance in this case doesn’t mean giving up on a more compassionate world, but it starts with that long loving look at the real --this is the reality of my life right now, and whether I will work to change it or not, here is where I am, where we are. Are there times in your life when you have grown in acceptance?

The sages from many traditions agree that one of the best signs of spiritual growth is compassion. Perhaps after that sad event in our own lives we notice that we have more compassion for others who have gone through something similar. What practices or experiences in your life have led you to grow in compassion?

Engagement is an immediate way to discern an opening for spiritual growth. When I look at my to do list in the morning, I often ask “which of these things give me energy when I consider them, which make me feel tired?” I follow that alive kind of energy as much as I can. I ask the same thing in my spiritual practices sometimes. If I feel bored or resistant to sit on my meditation cushion, which does happen for sure, I might ask, is there another practice that feels right for today, that gives me the energy to practice? The energy often feels inspired and good, but sometimes there is energy around something hard. Some piece of grief will nudge me and ask for my attention. When I remember the importance of spiritual growth, I turn and face the hard thing, and give myself the freedom to put my work down and have a cry, or sit with anger or frustration, because that’s where the energy is. Where is there energy, where is there engagement in your life right now?

My theological circle was showing some cracks as my son left for college and I turned 50, but all that has happened since 2020- the pandemic, awakening consciousness about racial injustice and the suffering of the world -- really smashed it up a bit. I was discouraged- I mean, I spent so much time in seminary building that adult circle of meaning, and now it was crumbling again. I can tell that I am not alone in this, that many folks are left wondering “why” and “I thought life was like this, but really it’s like this.” It’s enough to make you question the very foundations of what we believe about life and about ourselves. One thing I like about the garden metaphor in that lovely poem by Marge Piercy is that every gardener knows the harvest is just one point in the cycle of growth and is not discouraged when the whole thing starts over again every spring. Thankfully the cycle of growth never ends.

It can be scary to have the world crumbling around you, and your theological circle crumbling inside as well. It feels uncomfortable to be in a shell that’s too small. It feels terrible when our shell breaks, and it can be scary looking for a new shell that is the right size for us. And like we would offer a toddler who is teething, I recommend compassion for those moments. Centering prayer teacher Thomas Keating advises; when our attention strays, just gently bring it back, because any energy we give to chastising ourselves, or figuring out what went wrong, just takes us further and further from where we wanted to be.

We UUs affirm that we are always growing spiritually, and we also covenant to encourage one another in that growth. One of the simplest ways we do this is by coming together in community for worship, to remember a bigger view of the world, to know that we are not alone on the journey, to hold hope for one another when we have lost hope. Another powerful way we can encourage one another is just to listen, in small groups and one to one conversations. We listen deeply and compassionately, to truly hear each unique person on each unique path, to hold one another in love even when we are confused, to help us remember that we are always growing spiritually, and to help us discern a way forward on our growing edge. I imagine myself at a crossroads wondering which way to turn, and some kindly companion asks: Which way makes you feel more free? Which way helps you grow in compassion? Which way feels like new life?

I suspect there isn’t a person on this planet who hasn’t had some challenging times in the past year. Each of us will choose whether we will bring our loving attention to our spirits during those hard moments of change, to allow and encourage our own spiritual growth and those of our companions. The same is true when we receive something amazing, something confounding-ly wonderful.We can choose how we engage with life, good and bad. Is our goal to get back to normal as quickly as possible? Or are we open to transformation? Quickly or slowly, we are all growing all the time. Let us encourage one another in that growth, and help one another to remember that “after the long season of tending and growth, the harvest comes” Again and again




[i] P. 63 The Hidden life of trees by peter wohlleben