Remembrance

I grew up in a Humanist congregation, and though I saw that many cultures have traditions of relating to those who have died, I thought you had to be form a certain religious tradition or culture to have such a relationship, and didn't think that included humanists, or agnostics. It dawned on me recently that no matter what we believe, no matter what we do or don’t do, we all have a relationship with those who have died. Whether we bring flowers to their graveside and tell them about our lives, or stoically release the things that remind us of them, whether we believe their spirits are hovering about, or their molecules are repurposed into new life and only memories of them remain. When someone we love dies our relationship with their dear physical presence ends, but our relationship to their memories, their absence, their spirit (if you are so inclined), is something that changes and grows, and is as unique and evolving as our relationship to their living embodied presence had been.

my grandmother, Marie Simon

Our culture, our family traditions, inform how we think about and conduct these relationships. Perhaps in your family you were taught not to speak of the dead, lest it disturb and sadden people. My mother-in-law takes flowers once a year to all the beloved dead in the cemeteries near her. Some traditions teach that the dead can still hear and counsel and comfort us. Others believe that our relationship with the departed is like a phone call once one caller has been disconnected- when we speak with them we are really just speaking with ourselves.

I once went to hear the great teacher Ram Dass speak, and he told us that though his guru had died he spoke with him often. “But that’s all in your imagination” someone responded “yes” replied Ram Dass., as if to say that our imagination is a perfectly valid realm in with to connect to those who have departed.

Unitarian Universalism is agnostic about what happens when we die. Our beliefs are diverse and highly individual. But we all experience loss, we all experience the death of beings who are important to us, and the gift of those relationships, the power of that caring, that love, does not end with their death. I encourage you to notice how you are relating to those loved ones who have died, and allow yourself the space and creativity to shape that relationship as you need. Though we believe many different things about death and what comes after, we offer one another a space today to honor those relationships, to feel whatever feelings emerge, whatever memories in the compassionate embrace of community.

I offer these questions for your reflection:

• Who are the loved ones you are remembering today?
• How do those beloved dead continue to be a presence in your life?
• Are there any ways you would like to be more intentional about your relationship to those who have died?