Who We Are and Who We Are Becoming

The poet Mary Oliver writes:

“’We are what we are, you
are what you are, love us if you can.’"

This is the core of what I want to share with you today. What would it be like to arrive at a place where you know what you are, and love it?

I’ve spent a lot of my life trying to be what I’m not, to address my weaknesses. As a child I got extra tutoring in areas where I was struggling, like hand eye coordination and spelling and memorization. I’m conflict averse, so I spent a lot of energy going into situations that I was afraid of and saying hard things that needed to be said.

But something magical happened when I turned 50- Magical and hard. I realized that my memory was definitely not going to get better, that as a Highly sensitive person I was never going to enjoy conflict management, that even in an area like yoga where I do pretty well, I was never going to get into some of the pretzels because I just wasn’t built the right way.

When I was a kid, I had a whole bunch of visions of who I might become and other visions I had when I was a young adult, when I was a seminary student, many of which I can see now are never going to come into being.

I am never going to become a ballet dancer

I am never goign to be a brain surgeon

I am never going to be the first woman president

I am never going to become a professional singer

I think this is part of what the poet
David Whyte means when he writes:

“Give up all the other worlds
except the one to which you belong.”

I did, in fact, become a minister. I used to think I wanted to be Rev. Lindi Ramsden- the fearless and tireless Unitarian Universalist minister who worked 80 hour wees to create the UU Justice ministry of CA, creating a model that we is used all around the country. I tried to be like Rev. Rob Eller-Isaacs or Rev. David Keyes who don’t take any nonsense from anyone, who act boldly fearless of the conflict that may follow. It was something of a relief, as I celebrated 20 years in the ministry, to realize that I would never be Lindi, or Rob or Dave, that I could only, in fact be me.

At first this letting go was just grief, an unexpected sadness for all those possibilities which, it was time to admit, were no longer possible.

But then I began to ask myself, what if I treated these imperfections not like bugs in a computer program, but like features? What if God was calling me not to be someone else, but exactly who I am? I began imagine that grief about all I would never be was like a cleansing rain, rinsing away the debris of who I never was, washing away who I used to be, and revealing the bones of who I really am.

Here’s one example- I am a slow reader. I sit down to read the 500 page book assigned for a class and 2 pages later I need a break. My whole life I thought this was due to lack of will, or laziness. My hero bell hooks said she made herself read a whole nonfiction book in the morning before she would let herself read fun fiction in the afternoon. I’m lucky if I get through a handful of non-fiction books a year. Recently I attended a workshop on “spiritual reading” that gave exactly this instruction: read just a few pages at a time, until you reached something that strikes you, that speaks to you, and then to just sit with that insight and let it soak in. It’s a great way to read poetry, or scripture, or anything really if you want to really touch layers of deeper meaning and integration. Oh! I realized with a shock of recognition- that’s the way I read naturally. In that moment I decided to stop being embarrassed by reading slowly, that’s just who I am.

Part of the journey in the second half of life is about owning who we have been, who we are not, and who we are right now. What things do I want to grieve and release- the things we wanted to be, hoped to be, felt we should be?

Are there things about yourself that maybe you were embarrassed about or sad about that you have come to peace with? Take a moment to consider  ...

A crucial element to the journey of discovery in the second half of life is asking: What do we really know about who we are right now? Consider all those thousands of things you know just from being alive in your mind and body all these years- from the foods that give you indigestion to how you respond in a conflict, to what has brought you joy. I often share Walter Burghardt's definition of contemplation “a long loving look at the real” and it applies here, in our contemplation of our own selves. We take our gaze off of all that we are not (and everyone, no matter how accomplished, has things that they are not – that’s part of being human) And invite your loving attention to who you actually are- right now. You don’t have to like the fact that cheese gives you health troubles, you may even need to grieve that loss, but can you gaze on your whole self, cheese problems and all, with love?

As Rev. Theresa Soto encouraged us: “The thing you must be is yourself.”

This kind of reflection and integration takes years, a lifetime even. Insight matters, but also intuition, preferences, feelings. In this kind of inventory it is less important what you scored on your SAT or your elementary school teacher told you about your bad spelling, and more important to notice, as the poet says:

“anything or anyone
that does not bring you alive
is too small for you.”

What brings you alive? What do you love, right now at this time in your life? Or simply prefer, if it’s too early in the morning to really get excited about things.

I Know that I love really dark chocolate,
I love reading sci-fi fantasy novels
I love when birds land at my feeder
I love lingering over my coffee in the morning.
I prefer having a regular schedule and getting enough sleep most nights.
I’ve recently developed a fondness for this particular shade of orange

How about you- what do you love at this moment in your life? Take a moment to consider ...

I used to think I wanted to be a brave warrior minister, going into the heart of conflict, but really what I love is peace. I love being part of peaceful congregations full of kind people who support each other and manifest love in the world. How lucky I am to get to do that. And if we have a conflict, I screw up my courage and use all my years of ministry experience with past conflicts to help us navigate it, but I know myself, I know that I love peace, and that’s a feature, not a bug.

Once we have begun this inventory, this loving reflection on who we are now, it enables us to move into the future in a choice-ful way.

A few years back a preacher at the UU minister’s institute from the Pentecostal tradition (Rev. James Forbes) reassured us that if God wants you to do something, God will provide a way. I’m an agnostic about things like that, but I decided to try it on. What a relief this idea has been. Last year I had a lot of theological questions about the hard things going on in our world. I realized that I had gotten to the end of where my theological understanding could take me- this new world we were in requires a new map, a new vision. I longed for a teacher, a mentor- I kept having dreams of going back to school. I had dreamed one day of getting a doctorate, but friends told me about the stacks and stacks of reading- 5 books a week in some programs. I decided that I can’t read fast enough for a doctorate, then probably the work God is calling me to do does not require a doctorate. It turns out that the kind of reading I do naturally is better suited contemplation than academics, so I signed up for a year-long program that has only 8 required reading books, and encourages deep contemplation, and already the insight I’ve gained from the course have helped me make sense of this life, and helped support me in my ministry to you.

By accepting who I am I was able to choose a path forward that feels like a good fit for me. The calling I feel matches precisely who I am and who I am becoming.

We Unitarian Universalists are a diverse group theologically. We are Theists and Atheists and Agnostics. So whether you believe in the providential hand of God active in your life, or the power of intention, or aren't sure what to believe, we UUs all affirm the inherent worth and dignity of every person. That’s an unconditional worth- based on who you really are, not who you should be or an ideal standard you might someday achieve.

At the start of this new year, I invite you into this reflection, this long loving look, at who you are, right now. I invite you to release what you are ready to release, to love the parts of yourself that feel unloved, to follow the sparks of aliveness that come from your true self, and to move choiceful-ly into this next part of your life with faith that each of us can best serve this hurting and beautiful world by becoming more and more who we are.

“’We are what we are, you
are what you are, love us if you can.’"